The Desi Wedding (Part 4)

Seeing as your flight to Prague is in the late afternoon, the boyz decide to get together at Glassy Junction for a pre-stag drink up. You get there at 10.30 to discover that it isn’t open till 11. Jay ‘mistakenly’ gave you the wrong time, funny since they all turned up together at 11.30 with big grins on their faces.

They succeeded in getting the auntie’s walking to the gurdwara to see you in your ‘Oye Chuck De / Kartar Di Bund Patti’ t shirt standing outside Glassy like an alcoholic waiting for his daily fix. Indeed they were correct, you are spotted by half a dozen family friends who look in amazement whilst studying the text and photo on your t shirt. Then come out the mobile phones, to broadcast Kartar Singh’s besti. Suddenly at 10.55 20 auntie’s come out of the gurdwara to have a good stare. You pray to god that Manmohan ‘Bobby’ Waris opens the doors early and allows Glassy to swallow you in. Ironically, you prayers are answered as the silver doors open and you stumble in away from the crazy lunatic auntie’s.

After 10 minutes of the crudest Panjabi vulgarities known to man, you calm down enough to tell Harvey what you want to drink. You realise what a real desi sharaboo you are as all the boyz are tucking into their morning orange juices, while you are knocking back an unusual tasting double Jack Daniels. Sunny refuses to let you pay for a single round and comes back with a tray full of Lal Toofan pints mixed with ‘Kuchh Nai’ whiskey. Jas says that he can’t drink (in the morning) due to his liver problems and Larry insists that drinking before a flight makes him queasy. So Kuli, Bal, Sunny, Jay and Harvey join you in a ‘Lal - Kuchh’ toast to your forthcoming wedding.

Feeling a bit light headed you manage to scramble into the cab and get to Heathrow 5 minutes before check in closes. Kuli being airline staff has a good giggle with the fit gori behind the counter and manages to secure some decent seats on the plane. After a quick booze shopping spree in duty free you all decide on a quick desi daroo peg for the journey ahead. You knock it in one and feel hairs growing on your chest. On the way to the gate all the boyz are huddled together doing their customary ha ha’s and hee hee’s. Once on board, you discover exactly what they have been up to.

Kuli managed to secure club class seats for all the boyz……except YOU. You get the last seat at the back of the plane right next to the toilet. After a herd of abuse you settle down to your seat and watch as the boyz get pampered by a stunning looking Italian stewardess. You sulk in the corner whilst Kenny ‘the bingra’ steward pours you some tea and says ‘Oooh we’re gonna have to put a smile back on your face luvvy!’. For once in your life you wish you were at home having your mum and dad giving you constant headache about the wedding… Instead you are knee deep in some sticky tutti.

Bal walks down from Club with a massive grin on his face. You realise that he is completely wrecked after sipping tea followed by champagne chasers. He decides to frequent the toilet next to you leaving the nastiest ‘thorka’ smelling dump in history. He comes out with a smile on his face insisting that he flushed twice but the ‘lerndi’ refused to budge. The toxic tutti fumes combined with the booze from Glassy make your stomach churn, you call Kenny and ask him for a JD whiskey. He comes back in a rush and says ‘Here we go luvvy, here’s a large stiff one just for you’…. You feel as though you are part of a Desi Carry On film, you knock the shot in a hurry and go to sleep before it gets any worse.

The nightmare continues as you are stopped at customs in Prague airport. The shifty looking security officer frolics your bag to discover the Christmas edition of Asian babes, 25 packs of King Size Rizlas, pink fluffy handcuffs and a small plastic bag with some green herb looking substance. You realise that whilst you were downing your Lal Toofan’s in Glassy, the boyz were busy planting the incriminating evidence in your luggage. Your mind goes into mirch massalla mode, you see yourself in a Prague jail cell with a chunky looking eastern European woman looking man insisting that your drop your pants for an internal inspection. You begin to think that the boyz have set you up with drugs and that this he/she is about to violate your bund di gulley. You snap out of your haze when the customs officer sniffs the green stuff and says that he loves it sprinkled on his lamb curry. You look up to discover that the boyz had planted ‘saunf and elaichi’ in a weed bag. After a detailed one hour search through Asian Babes at Christmas, customs reluctantly decide to let you and the magazine go…

You take a swig from the 2 litre duty free Jack and Danny bottle and take your own taxi to the hotel ….. you wonder what tamaasha the boyz have in store for you in the next three days ……….

( The Desi Wedding (Part 4) © OSD 2008 )