Aunty Shiv

( b4 I get sued for deformation of character – let me state that the below story along with the names are entirely fictitious - osd only accepts responsibility for laughter, should that event decide to occur)

Why is it that my aunty Shiv is the family gossip queen and my Uncle Prem (her husband) the nicest man on earth? Why does aunty insist on being the life and soul of every family function while uncle just sits in the corner sipping his johnny walker black label? Why is Shiv aunty's voice so screechy and irritating while Prem uncle's is so mellow and soothing? Why does aunty always insist on getting her photo taken while uncle hides out of
sight of the cameras?

Why? Let me tell you why....

You see.. every one in our family despises Shiv (aunty).. we all call her 'The Sieve' .. u know
can't hold anything in.. has to let everything out. Well this is true in more ways than one..
(by the way please excuse the excessive use of dots and lack of sentences ... this is how i manage to express my feelings freely) ...



OK.. back to Shiv - The Sieve .. What can't she hold in?
Well for starters any information one passes through Shiv's ears will filtrate to her gob and down a phone to 101 relatives...

Next is her appalling sense of dress... at age 56 she has failed to realise that wearing a boob tube with a lengha just looks simply disgusting .. and as for not being able to hold anything in .. yep u guessed it .. her 3 tiered tid (belly) all hangs out .. not to mention her 10 ft long arm pit hair ..

Uncle Prem, on the other hand, is a smart man who carries himself very well .. so why doesn’t Shiv take a leaf out of his book.. in fact .. why doesn’t Uncle Prem just move back to the Pind and get away from her madness .. go on Uncle, I promise no one will hold it against you .. to be honest, I wish we could all come with you !

Also why is that ugly people think they are the best looking just because they wear layers of make up and get their hair done from a hairdressers.. Well MY Shiv aunty goes to the 'Beauty Parlour' ... I wonder which one?.. I think it should be closed down for indecency !!!! …

Everyone of my cousins hate her .. why? coz she is in every damn picture .. From when we were born right up to our graduation photos... and we can hardly ask her to piss off while we are taking the pictures now can we .. ..?

I think Uncle Prem is permanently pissed, coz it seems as though whatever badnami Aunty Shiv does .. it never seems to phase him … It’s their kids we feel the most sorry for .. they stopped going to functions with their mum about 5 years ago … Last time I saw them was at Uncle Prem’s sisters wedding … they only came coz Shiv aunty was stuck at Delhi airport and was unable to attend …

I don’t blame them really …. I was there the day they were both scarred for life … It was when the DJ at my cousins wedding decided to play the Tina Oh Tina / Power remix track … Aunty Shiv started to dancing with the kids trying to do hip hop moves … Let me tell you.. it wasn’t a pretty site … different layers of tid were in a world of their own … all the kids sat down .. but she carried on … her bindi dropped onto her nose making her look like rudolph … her mascara dripped from her eyes making her look like the lead singer of Iron Maiden…..and to top it all off .. her newly permed hair transformed her into a desi medusa ..

It was like a bollywood dance scene gone wrong… horribly wrong …. I still have nightmares !!!!

( Aunty Shiv © OSD 2008 )