The Desi Wedding (Part 1)

It’s become big business now, it’s a time when everybody wants to be your friend, it’s when those relatives you hadn’t seen since you we 2 scrawl out of the wood work and it’s an excuse for a mighty big piss up. Yes, you guessed it .. it’s your wedding.

You decide to be ultra trendy and opt for a ‘Lub marriage’ but can’t pluck up enough courage to tell your folx that all you want is a simple registry wedding. So once all has been set and you have had ‘Chaa Paani’ at the girls house, your mum and dad go into organise mode. It’s the moment they have been waiting for all their lives. They never thought that their snotty nose son would ever find a nice desi girl let alone decide to get married. They always assumed the worst, thinking that Kartar Singh would convert to Carter Simms and that the gori you knocked up at uni will turn up at the door step demanding marriage. Their prayers have been answered and you their ‘darleeng puttar’ are now the jewel in the crown. Dad no longer calls you ‘loafer’ or ‘duffer’ instead he greets you with ‘Shera’ and mum replaces ‘idiot’ with ‘Sona Kaka’. Even those aunties who ignored you in the past are now suddenly interested, sniffing for potential gossip material about your new wife to be. Uncles start talking to you, offering ‘Patialia Pegs’ as a means of condolence. Like saying, ‘Puttar, you are making a mistake, you are too young to commit, play the field a few more years.. look at me, can’t you see how your aunty has made me suffer?’. But when aunty walks past, uncle puts on a brave face and says very loudly ‘Puttar, you will lub de married life. Look how happy your aunty has made me’.

The initial ‘pattakay’ have launched, so it’s back to work to tell your colleagues. ‘Ohhhhhhhh, how lovely, you must be so excited’ and ‘Ahhhh, I’ve heard about Sikh weddings, will there be free booze and loads of curry?’. Suddenly, even your worst enemy starts being nice to you, offering their services in case anything needs doing. And all you can see gleaming in their eyes is a pint of beer and a samosa. Yes you guessed it, they’ll do anything to get an invite for free spicy food and an open bar.

But that’s the least of your worries. You’ve now got to break the news to the ‘Boyz’. Do you ring them? Do you send a text message? Oh stuff it, send out a global email.
Let the games begin ! A plethora of emails bounce to and fro, none of which congratulate you but all of which beam satisfaction of a forthcoming session. Bal sends you an email with ‘Oye Chuck De’ as the subject and asks where the Stag weekend is gonna be. Shit! You totally forgot about that. Your whole life flashes before your eyes and you cast your mind back to Sunny’s stag weekend in Amdam. Where all the boyz totally humiliated him and where you handcuffed him to a lampost with only his ‘Kaccha’ on. Oh how you laughed and oh how you are gonna pay.
You get an email from Sunny, with the subject ‘Teri Bund Patti Yaaro’. You try to keep and brave face and send a reply back saying that AmDam was just a laugh and that you were only joining in with the boyz. Then you visualise the look he gave you on his wedding day, when he had to tie his pug extra low to cover his missing eyebrow, the one you shaved off. Bollox.. you think to yourself. You’ll only be wearing a pug during the ceremony, what about at the reception? What if Sunny decides to shave both eyebrows off?

You get home to discover that mum has bought you an indian suit for your wedding, it’s the brightest thing you have ever seen. To top it off, Dad brings out his bright pink pug. He says ‘Shera, this pugri was worn by your grandfather on his wedding, I wore it when I married your mama and now you shall do us proud by wearing it on the greatest day of your life, and I shall do the honour of tieing it’. Alarm bells start ringing. You were hoping that Bal would tie a pug like his, you know modern and trendy. Not a giant UFO…. and a pink UFO at that. And besides, dad has never worn a pug in his life, how the hell will he make you look good on your wedding. The thought of your forthcoming stag puts you into a haze and you agree to everything mum and dad say, including having a stretch limo for the wedding car...

... to be continued .......

( The Desi Wedding (Part 1) © OSD 2008 )