The Desi Wedding (Part 6)

You get up with your bride ready to take the first dance with some bakwaas hindi tune in the background. Suddenly, like a dodgy kebab roll from Glassy on its way out the next morning, Harvey gets on stage and stops proceedings. Looking very sharabi he tells the dj’s to stop playing the luvvy duvvy tune and to whack on the video from the stag in Prague. Alarm bells start ringing in your head, you see everyone in the reception hall look in total disbelief as their pyara Kartar is shown dancing nunga with a rose in his mouth next to some transvestite hookers ... Then you see the sharabi boyz behind the dj’s with huge ‘ks bhamrah from apna sangeet’ type grins… doing bhangra in the air to symbolise their greatest besti achievement to date. Your new brother in law gets up and lays a thaparr across your freshly shaved face….your sas and sora follow suit .. then a thappar ‘shaggan’ queue forms… You can’t believe your so called yaars have done this to you …

You feel the need to down some jd shots to help numb the pain as the thappar fest continue from one cheek to the other… taa taa taa taa taa….. then you start to come round… you open your eyes to see your dad laying thappars on you like there is no tomorrow……. 'Utt Ja Shera ! .. you are dreaming puttar .. ….seems like the nightmare.. Wake up Son!… Don’t tell me you are having the cold feets !….. …. trust me son marriage is not as bad as they all say. Look at me…..I have been married to your Mamma for the therty jears and I am still alive……’


You never thought that having yellow paste smudged all over you would hurt so much. Your'e just glad you aren't as hairy as your cousin Kamla who was in absolute agony at his maya. The auntiya take great pleasure in ruining your new hairstyle and freshly trimmed beard, dolloping thick wodges at every given opportunity. ….. you get into another sharabi kababi mode of thought (even though you haven't drunk for almost 2 hours).... you think you'll turn up to the wedding looking as white as Michael Jackson with bald patch spots in your beard….. then you think that may be the boyz managed to spike the maya paste and that your hair would turn purple like your Aunty Shiv’s….. Hai Hai.. where’s the sharaab when you need it ? …. Then like a genie out of a JD bottle, your Aunty Shiv comes in and pretends that you are her best pyaara nephew, smiling and acting in front of the camera (like Shilpa Shetty.. except she looks more like a desi Jade Goody aunty type thing) ….. That brings you back to reality... not only do you have to worry about the boyz forthcoming antics... you pray that Aunty Shiv doesn't embarrass the whole kaan daan at the wedding...



DJ Pendoo (what a name!) from Desi Snoop Dogg Entertainment (what a shame!) whacks on Malkit’s 'Jago Ayaa' tune... All the aunties get up and start doing giddha. You never thought any of them had it in them to bust those moves. Even the bibi's who had been complaining of years of back ache suddenly drop their walking sticks to outshine the younger aunties. Your mum and her gang come into the tent with the Jago's on their heads.. tooing and froing .. rapping some next desi boliyan as they dance… Meanwhile all the boyz and uncles are gathered around the desi makeshift bar helping themselves to the beer and the dodgy whiskey your uncle Prem brewed himself … He proudly names it ‘Bond Patti’ .. saying that with a couple of shots and some chicken, your chittar will go through an extreme makeover the next day …

Kuli conveniently becomes the bar man… pouring you the deadliest ‘engrazi patiala pegs’ … all the boyz say that you have to have a shot with each of them to toast your shaadi … By shot number 10 you are completely plastered … The boys start blerting out their customary ‘ Haa Haa, Hee Hee’s.. and Oye Chak De’s’ … the DJ spins the ‘Tharti Hilde’ tune … you start feeling the effects of the and the dodgy chicken… and you start hearing ‘Tattee Hildee, Tattee Hildee’ in your mashed up mind…. You make a dash for the makeshift bog you dad built at the back of the garden (for all the desi piss heads) … You unleash a nuclear lindee to great relief … but to total disbelief there is no bog roll left …… to top it off the flush isn’t working …. So you are faced with having to hatch a plan to get from the end of your garden to your bedroom with minimum movement in the sun don’t shine region ….

As you get back into the Marquee en-route to the house… the boys drag you to the dance floor … all pissed as desi’s in a brewery.. Jas gets you up on his shoulders smiling to the camera doing his Juggy D dancing … You are more concerned about ruining your brand new Versace jeans with Skid Marks then with little Jas dropping you …. You still can’t believe your rotten luck … Your just glad uncle Prem’s whiskey hasn’t worn off …. Helps you forget ….

Apart from the Environmental health visit at 2am … your’e glad that the night before goes relatively smoothly … Now for the Wedding Day ……

You’ve been up since 3am and your old man still can’t tie a decent pug on you. You look more like Bin Laden then a proper Singh.... He keeps saying, ‘I don’t the understand son, I thought that tieing the turban was like riding the bike… once you learn you can never forget’.
You think to yourself that the only time your dad has worn a pug has been on his own wedding, and that was tied by your grandad.. who happened to be the smartest Singh you knew. If it weren’t for Uncle Prem mucking up his visa application, he’d be there tieing the perfect turban on his pyara nephew. Instead he is living it up in the pind watching Shilpa Shetty on Big Brother…..

Bal comes to the house in the morning, still sharabi from night b4... He bursts out laughing when he sees the 'Satya Naas' state of your pug. At this stage the photographer has already taken some pictures ...Bal decides to save any further besti by doing you an emergency desi pug.
So in half the pictures you are looking like your pug has been subjected to gale force wind .. and in the other half with you looking like Inderjeet Nikku ready to bust some 'Singh Is King' lyrics...

Now for the actual wedding ……

( The Desi Wedding (Part 6) © OSD 2008 )