DW Part 8 will be posted in 2012 - or I'll stop eating Kebab Rolls !!!

O'Twadi ... been manic busy innit .. so have neglected the Desi Wedding writing something chronic ... Listen.. will definitely get part 8 written this year ...
.. was on the verge of a deal to get some of this stuff published in a well know Asian wedding publication - but they asked me to omit some of the colourful language .... i said NO WAY JOSE !!!!

.. so guess this BLOGGGGG is where its always gonna be at ... unless of course I get some jammy Film deal .. that will make me millions !!!! (I'll open up a kebab shop called O'Twadi's then ..) ..

Till then my friends ...

#Hurrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!

You can follow me on Twitter (if you really want) .. and see what I actually get up to ... @BaljitRihal

O'Twadi - a Year since I last wrote here

Ok.. sorry sorry Yaar's ... it's been almost a year since I last wrote on here...
ok.. due to alot of pressure from fans (looters) .. I'll be putting fingers to keyboard to pen the next installment of bechara Kartar's Tamaaasha ...

..also since Glassy Junction is closed.. I'm in search of a decent watering hole with good grub ...

... I'm on Pace-book --> PunjabiChelsea
.. and am also Twattering in Twitter --> @PunjabiChelsea

.. so keep in touch .....

The Desi Wedding part 9 - Coming soon ....

.. i promise ... very very soon ....

The Desi Wedding Part 8

You have to admit that your Mrs is looking quite fit... your head starts the famous spin and you start dreaming of your Suhaag Raat... Picture the setting, a lovely presidential suite at the Thorncliffe Hotel overlooking the M4 motorway and the sweet smell of 'Thorka' oozing out of Southall ... Ahhhh What Bliss.. NOT !!!


"Kartar, Kartar... oye Laloo Boy... Which way to the blaady reception hall? This stapid Tommy Tom is sending me to the bladdy Birmingham..." You are brought back down to earth by your Paagal Uncle (video uncle/cameraman uncle/mini cab uncle/builder uncle/you bloody name it uncle).. You never understand how the older generation can multi-task so well .. as well as avoiding the tax man ..

You tell your uncle to look at the wedding card for the reception postcode.. then realise that the cards your old man got from India were riddled with paandi spelling mistakes...Oh No !! This is gonna mean that your big day is gonna be full of only your Mrs's side ....You're just glad that your Mrs is at the back of the Paagal van sitting on top of Aunty Shiv and can't hear the panga going on ...

Alarm Bells !!!! On top of Aunty Shiv .. hai hai satya naas.. You pray to all the gods under the sun that absolutely nothing of Aunty Shiv's rubs off on her (and you don't just mean the make up) ...

DJ Taz from Paragon calls and asks where the f'ing hell you are.. Said that the hall was packed full of hungry desi's waiting for their starters... He tells you that grown adults are stealing the crisps and peanuts from other peoples tables.. 'Dude, it's gonna be civil war any minute' ...

Your old man calls 'Cooking Aunty' (the caterer) and says 'Pehn Jee.. Make sure you don't serve the kaana until I get there.. I spent too much blaady money , I must be the first to have the kebaab..." Uncle Prem calls your dad and tells him that the booze is running out so you lot better hurry up, your pyior(dad) tells him '..Oye paani paade beer de vich, make it last a bit longer innit.. we will be there in 5 minutes nothing to worry about yaaaaar...'

1/2 an hour later you all clamber out of the Paagal mobile... with creased outfits .. tilted turbans and runny make up .. you all go straight into the hotel reception area ...

Your little cousins are running around playing games with the fire extinguishers.. chavvy goray kids you never seen before loading (your) bottles of your favourite Jack and Danny into dodgy white vans in the car park...

Your dad tells you that you have 5 minutes to freshen up before you and your mrs have to enter the hall and greet your public ...

You leg it to the Presidential suite with your shaving kit and your mrs goes off with her 101 cousins to help her take a pish...Your bridal suite looks more like a squat than a hotel room .. 'Chal Koi Na..' you think to yourself.. 'get ready Karter...lets enjoy the rest of the day...'

You shave off the beard you've been sporting for the past 4 weeks... feels kinda sad coz you liked looking like a real Singh .. plus all the aunties and uncles kept saying 'Oye Kinna Sohna Lagda Pagh paake...'. You then start taking off the Malkit Singh style pagh and see your green hair fall out from underneath....'GREEEN.. Oye Paaan Da Yaaaaaaaaar' Your kunjar mates must have spiked the maya paste with hair dye last night .. No wonder they were full of Haa Haa and Hee Hees...'Don't panic mate... don't panic..' you urge yourself... You decide to put your turban back on.. except this time you are looking more like Hardeep Singh Kohli then Malkit Singh .... coupled with the fact that you don't have a beard... What the blaaady hell are you in laws gonna think ...'Oye Duffer.. hurry up son we are waiting for you'.. your dad shouts from outside the door...

After the horrific looks from all and sundry in the lobby area (yes including the chavvy goray kids) you and your mrs make your entrance (after keeping your hungry guests waiting for 4 hours)...

Kully Kinde Bains (the worlds first female classically trained dhol player) bangs out some beats in tune with Malkit Singh's 'Mamma Bada Great' as the whole kaan daan follow behind you dancing like a bunch of sharabi's (yes including the bibiya)…..As you walk past the boyz table you see them all with the most Cheesiest grins ever …They start laughing at your clean shaveness with a Pagh. What the hell have those Kuthay got planned for you? You start heading towards the famous mirch masalla mode …
‘God help me please … I promise I won’t harm a fly ever again … spare me from this potential embarrassment… ’

You sit down at the head table complete with red MacDonalds balloons and stare out at the 700 guests all ready to rip you apart like janwaars .. You can see they’ve caned all the peanuts and crisps and are starting to munch on the fake flower decorations…You gestured to your old man to get the starters served…’Don’t worry puttar, food will come once we have all done the cake shake…’

DJ Taz announces ‘Could only close family come forward for the cake ceremony, I repeat only close family’ .. Like blue arse flies to a pile of cow tutti.. it seems like the whole hall rushes forward .. With their killer instincts.. just to get a bit of the cake to satisfy their hunger … Hats off to DJ Taz and the Paragon crew as they manage with a few gentle Punjabi words of persuasion to get all the jaanwars back to their seats… Your’e glad Bal managed to get Paragon for a decent price.. the set up looks professional even though the hall looks like Southall bloody market … You would have had to deal with your Dad’s mates ‘The Dinku’s’ otherwise .. a cross between Premi and Abba on drugs …

Video uncle (Paagal Sahib) and his lula of a son Kamla burst to the front and start filming.. ‘Oye smile for thee camera.. This is happy day.. lovely wife.. your parents taking loan to pay for all this .. come on yaaar..enjoy enjoy enjoy’. Aunty Shiv’s the first to give you cake (even before your Maa Baap) .. She makes sure she gets a photo hugging and kissing you both .. You feel a shiver down your spine …

Then your mum and dad come up ... with your in laws .. “Ahhhh Very nice hogaya johri.. we are one family now… khushi vich rao.. aajo Bhangra Pao.. Mauj Manao.. Bruuuuaaaaah..” Your in laws look at your old man like he is the local park sharabi …

You spot your work table in the background .. those laloo’s are still wearing their frilly rumaals from the gurdwara .. Then like a jack and danny bottle on a desert island you spot your pyaari zindagi Asha looking like a fit Ash Rai in desi Baywatch .. staring at you like she wished she was the bride … Ahh what could have been…

.. Your mrs pinches you in the chittar and gestures you towards the dance floor .. ‘I’d like to request the dance floor is clear for the couples first dance.. please everyone respect the DJ otherwise starters will be delayed for another hour’… like school children being told off the dance area clears leaving you both staring into each others eyes on your first dance … You start dancing ‘luvvey duvvey’ to the tune of ‘Singh is King’ ….. Your mrs looks at you and says ‘Who the hell told them to play this’… You look up ‘puzzled’ at DJ Taz .. he points to your old man .. Standing on the side doing the Singh is King moves … with Snoop Dogg rap hand gestures.. What ever next?

Your dad and Paagal Uncle (with video camera) come on the dance floor and start dancing waving notes over your heads … They shout to the DJ.. ‘Oye, Koi Desi Gaana Laadey.. Bruuuaaaaah.. Lets start this party innit’ … The DJ whacks on ‘Captain Bhangra Da’ .. Like a swarm of drunken bees the dance floor packs out and looks like a gig at Ministry … Feels kinda good seeing everyone enjoying themselves… The boys teaching your gora mates how to dance ‘Screwing the lighbulb, opening the door knob and patting the dog styleee’… Bibiya busting out moves you never thought physically possible (especially at their age) …drunken uncles balancing bottles on their bald heads .. auntiya dancing giddha style .. kids trying act cool by doing hip hop moves to a paandi bhangra song….. The boys getting you up on their shoulders.. you feeling like Singh is King ….

It’s great .. bloody great … this is what a wedding should really be about .. You are actually starting to enjoy yourself and start believing that it could be a great day after all ……

True to form .. the boys do not disappoint …. ‘OK, OK.OK .. stop the music…’ You look up and see Jaz standing on stage with the mic … ‘I understand you are all hungry .. I suggest you all go grab some nosh and sit back and enjoy a little presentation the boys have made about our favourite yaaar Kartaaaar’ …..

ALARM BELLS start reverberating in your turban .. your worst nightmare is about to come true in front of all and sundry …. You have no where to turn … You can’t even spot a Jack and Danny bottle to help you get through it …. What the hell are these maa da yaar’s gonna do ???????


(to be continued in The Desi Wedding part 9 …)

( The Desi Wedding (Part 8) © OSD 2010 )

Oye - Cup of Jack Daniels !!!!

Uncle Ji Grewal (from The Family) has been on the blower ... said will 'larr my chill' if I don't get DW8 written and published soon ...

Anyway .. have asked him if he would play Kartar's Dad in the forthcoming movie...
Said he would have to discuss it with Aunty Ji Grewal over a Cup of Tea ....

Anyway...DW8 .. watch this SPACE !!!

7000 Members of Desi Wedding Facebook Group

I have been informed by Mr. Ajaib Paul Sahib that the Desi Wedding Facebook group has hit 7000 (seven thou-jand) members ...
..I am very honoured to have so many of you grace my writings ... Also a thou-jand thanks for Mr. Paul for setting up the group ...
.. carry on with the thank you's.. I appreciated all your emails.. words of encouragement and advice on how I should pull my finger out and start writing part 8 ...
I've bowed to public demand (well Head Chef Uncle from Glassy) and decided create an OSD facebook account ... My id is ---> Osd Desi-wedding <--- .. so add me innit ...

Anyway .. part 8 will be with us this side of Xmas but the other side of Diwali ...

MERRY DIWALI to all that celebrate it .. may the PATAKA be with you !!!

Cheers

OSD

The Desi Wedding Part 7

It’s the morning after the night b4 (sangeet party) … Uncle’s Prem’s ‘Bond Patti’ homemade desi brew is still running wild in your bloodstream… Your extra loaded (with Malkit Singh style Pagh) head goes into mirch massalla mode….‘Is this really happening’ you think to yourself.. You, Kartar Singh, are going to be married in a matter of hours… In a flash your wild days will be over… You won’t be able to venture down to Tiger Tiger to chat up the Eastern European birds so easily anymore.. You won’t be able to go to Glassy or POW every other day for a ‘Panjabi swearing invested natter’ with the lads… You’ll miss Bittu’s tandoori mixed grills… No more lads holidays.. no more sneaking out for a quick soota at night …. Is this the end of your life as you know it ….

Your train of thought is disturbed by Video Uncle (real name Dev Kumar Paagal) yanking his cable through your Maujay (curly shoes) .. he blerts out ‘Come on yaar… smile for theee camera…, its your big day…its theee best day of your life…..ha ha hee hee’ ..

Everyones causing a fuss over you in the living room... Bal making sure your Pagh is unmolested, your cousins all hanging around (like blue arse flies) to get some dosh off your mum... Aunty Shiv getting too close for comfort… making sure she gets her face in the video ..For any 3rd party looking on, it seems as though she is your bride… You look up (in disgust) at her wishing that your Mrs to be doesn’t end up with a multi-tiered tid and joker (a la Heath Ledger in Dark Knight) facial features like hers … You pray to the almighty to forgive all the ‘elta’ (sins) you have committed and promise that you’ll be a good boy just as long as the Shiv curse is removed from your memory….



Video Uncle and his son Kamla (the tosser) keep annoying you by sticking the camera right up your face…. conveniently zooming in on the massive zit on your nose.... You hope that Kunjar Kamla (KK) ends up marrying an Aunty Shiv lookalike and that his life is made hell so that he won’t be such a khotha anymore ;) … Then you wonder why you agreed to let Video Uncle film your big day…. What were you thinking?.. ….knowing your luck KK will edit in some porn in your final video edit… you can just imagine the faces of all the Aunty’s sitting round the TV waiting to see your first dance on DVD.. when all of a sudden there’s a banda’s meat and two veg doing god knows what to a well endowed teemi … Stop it!! Stop it!! You think … get a hold of yourself.. stop getting into mirch massalla mode…. Take some advice off Russell Peters…. ‘BE A MAN !!!’ …

….Your'e tempted to nip upstairs to down a quick peg of Jack and Danny but you are stopped in your tracks by your mum…. She hands you your mobile phone saying 'Puttar, your phone doing too much Tee Tee, make sure you turn it off in the Gurdwara, otherwise the giani will be the upset'... You have 30 missed calls..
mostly from your father in law and the rest from your future brother-in-law ... You listen to the various vulgarities on voicemail and realise that the girls side have been waiting for you guys at the Gurdwara for 2 hours... Bloody hell ! You won’t even get a hot samosa and a cup of Saunf Cha yourself….

Those famous Alarm Bells start ringing in your head again .. .your two hours late !!! You imagine turning up to the Gurdwara faced with your brother in law’s army of Dacoit looking tribesman… All waiting to rip you a new Bund Di Gulley… You keep hearing, all 6ft 6 of him, saying “Look fud-cheeks, I warned you about messing up the timetable to the wedding.. You know I was gonna do a Dhol solo at the reception….Your’e taking the piss now.. I’m gonna have to break your legs…” … Oh No !!!

Video uncle wakes you from your haze by shouting at all the aunties to squeeze closer together to get into the pictures...'Come on everybody,
get closer to Kartari, this is the best day of his life.. one, two, three say Paneer!' ... You look in the mirror and see that your red pagh is now plastered with all the Auntie’s foundation …. Bal comes to the rescue with some last minute ‘Singh Is King’ fixes… The pagh his heavy.. but you have to admit.. You do look damn good …. Oye Chak De !!! ‘Let’s get this over with’ you think to yourself….

You tell your dad to hurry things along coz the girls side are waiting like lemons ... he comes up with 'Shera, why you worry for huh? This is a Desi wedding.…..the Boys side always late… hinni .. it's tradition ..' ...

You finally get out of the house at 11.20 sporting some dodgy soorma applied by (who else) Aunty Shiv .. you look more like Amy Winehouse than a Panjabi Groom .. You contemplate whether you should join Amy by booking yourself into ‘Rehab’ after the day is out ….

Isher Singh (the dholi) busts out some dhol beats while you walk out of the house and into the beaten up limo that Video Uncle had arranged…. Deep Mamma ji starts dancing quickly followed by Uncle Prem and Aunty Shiv… All the neighbours come out of their houses to see what all the fuss is about… Then Video Uncle starts naching and tuping.. and yes while the video is still recording.. “Saare jaane nachlo.. mauj maano.. te Bhangra Pao…” You think that if he is like this in the morning, what’s he (and the state of the video) gonna be like at the reception, after he’s had a couple…



“OK jee, Chaalo.. Chaalo”…your Dad starts instructing people to get out of the house and into the coach…”Come on the people, let us go.. The girl’s side must be waiting ”…. The gora limo driver starts the engine… it doesn’t sound too healthy, so he switches off and tries again… this time it justs coughs and splutters… “Look mate, I’m gonna have to call in the AA.. I don’t wanna blow the engine.. this baby is my bread and butter…” … Sirens start sounding in your head.. amplified by the fact that your Malkit Singh pagh is containing the mayhem inside… What the ‘paandi yaari’ are you going to do?


“Nothing to vorry about… everyone come in the my car.. behja behja.. koi na”… Video Uncle gets everyone (including you) to pile into his clapped out 7 seater Toyota… It the one that he uses to advertise all his sidelines… “Paagal Mini Cabs / Paagal Builders / Paagal Video / Paagal Tents and Paagal DJ’s…” … “Oye rabh jee” (you think to yourself) “will the day get any better?” …

The Paagal mobile enters the Gurdwara car park led in by Isher Singh blasting the dhol … You try hiding under your Sehra curtain but can make out the chuckles from everyone standing outside… Your ‘pyaari zindagi darleeng’ Asha is there looking as fit as ever, with all the goray from work wearing frilly ladies chunni’s to cover their heads… All your cousins and your in laws are in full view to watch you get out of Video Uncles dodgy motor….. All the uncles are dancing in beat to the dhol infront of you and tying to get you to join in…. You politely refuse saying that you don’t want to displace the pagh …..

Time for the milni… Your mum is unable to untangle all the haars so your side are reduced to using the same 10 haars for every milni …. First up is your Dad.. He was unable to find his rumaal (handkerchief) in the morning so he borrowed your nephews WWE (wrestling) one… Your father-in-law looks at him in disbelief before giving him a gold ring and a blanket…

After a couple of ha ha’s and hee hee’s they both try lifting each other up… Both on the large side they only get as far as aggravating their sciatic nerves… “Oye Paaaji, smile for thee camera yaar”.. Video Uncle encourages the Dad’s to act all lovey dovey for the video AND photo… Then your Fufarr (Dad’s sisters husband) meets and greets his counterpart from the girls side… It looks more like a duel then a milni .. eyes piercing across the tarmac… strategies flying about in their brains… like two sumo wrestlers ready to go to war…. Fufarr Ji staggers up to his ‘opponent’ with his walking stick.. saying the customary ‘Sat Sri Akal Paaji’ .. putting the haar around the neck negotiating the well tied pagh….. Then your other half’s Fufarr proceeds in placing his haar over your Fufarr’s neck.. scrumpling up his ‘Sikh Pride’ rumaal in the process… Your Fufarr’s eyes turn red as his gunja (bald) spot is revealed to all and sundry… He suddenly drops his stick and proceeds to lift his opponent off the ground to cries of ‘Oye Balle Balle Balle!!!’… The other Fufarr is holding on for dear life as your Fufarr looks to the other Uncles for approval…. He gets a perfect 10 score when he bends down to grab his stick, letting the nastiest, loudest, thorka smelling padh rip through the milni congregation… The battle of the Fufarr’s finally ends sending people straight into the hall for some Hot Samosas, Pakora’s and Saunf Chaa Choo…



All the goray from work are more amazed at the plethora of free samosas than your wedding attire… they all greet you chomping on food .. it’s like suddenly you are their best friend.. may be it’s the turban ? Then like a movie scene… all hazy like walking on clouds.. your eyes lock with Asha’s … ‘Oye Chak De Kurriye’ you think to yourself… she walks up to you and gives you a big hug.. saying congratulations.. You sense a Bulj-inder moment… your only saving grace is your long Etchkan.. thick as cardboard… Does wot it says on the tin.. hides all imperfections and protrusions…

The actual religious wedding goes well.. your Mrs to be looks lovely.. You wished it was Asha though .. but thank the Lord that is wasn’t Aunty Shiv’s protégé…. Only a few minor hiccups.. like you starting anti clockwise rather than clockwise… The traditional building fund speech taking 2 hours… and you sweating buckets in the intense heat … You now have a new found respect for all turban wearing Sardars .. infact you toy with the idea of keeping your hair and donning a Malkit-esque slick turban for life ….

As you enter the Paagal car for your trip to the reception hall… you notice 10 missed calls .. all from the DJ (Taz from Paragon).. saying that you are extremely late and only have 2 hours hall time left …..

O’Twadeeeeeeee !!!! It’s now a mad rush .. on to the reception ……..

(to be continued in The Desi Wedding part 8 …)

( The Desi Wedding (Part 7) © OSD 2009 )

DW7 Releasing this April

.... DW7 Releasing this April on "O'Twadi" Record label ... on a serious note .. if it ain't up (the stpry that is) by end of April 2009 I will give up the old Jack and Danny ... Rab Di Sauhn !!! ...

.. now pish off !

Desi Wedding - Glossary of Terms

.. hope all is well with you all ... the Facebook group is going strong (6.5k members)... my inbox is filling up with hate mail @ my slackness in posting up DW7 ....

.. ok some of you have requested that i add in a Glossary of Terms .. so here we go... enjoy ...
.. at some point i will link this to the actual words in the stories...

Chaa Paani - literal translation means Tea and Water. In this context it refers to when the grooms family go to the bride to be house and are treated to a feast of Samosas, Kebabs, Tea and Cakes. This basically means that both sides have agreed to the union.
Desi - refers to a Panjabi person.
Gori - Female Caucasion
Darleeng - Darling in an Indian Accent
Puttar - Affectionate term for a child
Loafer - lay about, dosser
Duffer - dunce, someone who can't tell their kebab roll from their chicken tikka.
Shera - basically means Lion, or head of the Pride. A term used to give someone status.
Sona Kaka - Sona means nice and Kaka means Baby. In this sense it refers to the pride of the family.
Patialia Pegs - Patialia is a region in the Panjab.. and Peg refers to a shot of alochol.. a Patialia Peg is a very large (usually a double triple - 6 measures)
Pattakay - fireworks
Oye Chak De - a phrase which expresses delight .. sometimes used in encouragement.. especially when getting someone to down a Patiala Peg.
Kaccha - underpants
Teri Bund Patti Yaaro - means you've been shafted my friend.
Pug / Pagh / Pugri - Turban, as worn by Sikh males.
Giani - Sikh priest
Chukker (also spelt Chakkar) - having halucinations / head spinning
Rail Gaddi - famous bhangra song about a train ,played at most weddings when people form a line and do the locamotion around the reception hall.
Glassy - means a drink of alcohol.
Rishtadari - relation, or from your network.
Thorncliffe Hotel - a run down hotel in West London now used to house Assylum seekers.
Bingra - someone who bats for the other side.
Gora - male caucasian
Roti - Chappati
Sabjee - Indian curry (usually vegetarian)
Sharabi - Alcoholic
Tamashaa - Cock up in proceedings...shanningans
Bulj-inder - in this sense is used to refer to the 'bulj' in ones manhood when one sees a good looking member of the opposite sex. The adding of the jinder is to akin it to a Panjabi name Baljinder...
Derty Kuthay - Dirty Dogs
Gup Shupping - Gossiping, usually associated with Aunties.
Chacha - Dad's younger brother.
Phagwara - Town in Panjab.
Langered - pissed.
Lengha - Indian dress for women.
JD - Jack Daniels Whiskey
Jack and Danny - Jack Daniels Whiskey
Mamma Ji - mother's brother.
Nanna Ji - mother's father.
Massi - mother's sister.
Khushi - Happiness.
Mucchar - Flies.
Daroo - Alcohol
KARTAR DI BUND PATTI - Kartar (main character in DW) has been shafted
ha ha’s and hee hee’s - laughing
Besti - Embarrassment
Glassy Junction - Indian Pub in Southall -- often called 'Glassy'
Manmohan ‘Bobby’ Waris - Bobby is a bartender at Glassy Junction who is a spitting image of the bhangra singer Manmahan Waris.
Lal Toofan - Indian Beer brand
Kuchh Nai - means nothing, is an Indian Whiskey brand.
Tuttee - sh*t
Thorka - base ingredients to an Indian Curry, consists of onions, garlic, chillies, ginger and tomatoes. When cooked they together they release a pungent smell.
Lerndi - another panjabi word for Sh*t
Mirch massalla mode - in this context we are talking about your mind going into overdrive, thinking the unthinkable..
Bund di gulley - the sun don't shine tunnel region
Saunf - Fennel seeds, cooking condiment.
Elaichi - Cardamoms, cooking condiment.
Bechaara Bundar - Poor bloke
Jaanwar - Animal
sharabi Kebabi - slang desi term for Pissed.
nasha - buzz
Taalet - Toilet (said with a british desi accent)
Teri Paandi - literally translates to 'Your Sister'.. one can add on extra words to make the term vulgar.
Kunjar - one who belongs to the oldest profession in the world.
Bund - Bum
Zindagi - life
Nunga - naked
Kartar Dee Bund Patti… Ohhh Ho ! Kartar Dee Bund Patti Aye Hai - a song highlighting that Kartar is gonna get shafted.
Gurh Nalon Ishq Mitha - famous Panjabi song meaning Love is sweeter than Sugar
Malkit - famous Panjabi Bhangra singer (full name Malkit Singh)
Bakwaas - as in something is rubbish or crap.
Luvvy Duvvy - Lovey Dovey (in desi british accent)
Pyara - Lovely
KS Bhamrah from Apna Sangeet - lead vocalist of popular Bhangra band who is well known for his Cheshire Cat smile.
Thaparr - Slap
Shaggan - Gift offering (usually of money after a wedding)
Utt Ja Shera - Wake up lion
Maya - Pre wedidng ceremony where relatives smear the groom with tumeric paste.
Hai Hai - Expression of disbelief.
Kaan Daan - Family or Klan.
Jago Ayaa - Popular song played at pre wedding parties.
Bibi's - older grandma types
Jago's - Pots with candles on the top, these are used in pre wedding celebrations.
Chittar - Bum
Engrazi Patiala Pegs - English Patialia Pegs (quadruple shots)
Shaadi - Wedding
Tharti Hilde - popular bhangra song meaning 'GroundShaker'
Tattee Hildee, Tattee Hildee - different take on song above, now meaninig that ones sh*t is shaking.
Juggy D - Popular Bhangra artist from West London.
Pind - Ancestral village in India.
Satya Nas - Mess up
Inderjeet Nikku - Popular Panjabi singer from India, known for his well endowed turban.

The Desi Wedding FACEBOOK Group has 6k + Members

Oye Twadi !!! Over Six Thoujand.... Bloody hells ...

For those of you who haven't joined up yet ----> WHY NOT !!!! ...
Here is the link:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=22010859736

Many thanks to Mr. Paul for looking after the group ... Will have to meet up for a beer followed by Jack and Danny Chasers and the customary mixed grill kebab roll ...

Also thanks to Jas Jassal for introducing me to Mixed Grill's at POW (Prince of Wales pub, Southall) ... Hopefully with this new organic meat I'll be able to finish off DW part 7 in the new year ...

Before I forget ... MERRY 'THE' NEW YEAR and may the God bless you ...

Cheers

OSD

Indian Timing - yes DW Part 7 is taking it's time ...

Sat Sri Akal, Hello Shello, Namaste, Salaam .. and all that nonsense ...

Thanks for all the hate mail with regard to putting down the old sharaab di bottal and picking up the pen ... I assure you DW7 is well under way.. it just needs some finishing touches (cough) ...

Seeing as I have posted up some snippets from DW7, I may just start posting up parts 7a, 7b and 7c ...

But like my friend Panjabi MC likes to say... it's all about Indian Timing ... NEVER rush a DESI !!!

For all of you who haven't had a chance to hear the latest PMC album.. go out to your local music outlet and give it a listen... it's a KWALTY product .. these only come around once in a blue moon in the Bhangra Industry ....



Anyway... keep sending those emails... and look out for some exciting stuff surrounding the DW Series ...

Shukriya !!

OSD

Snippet from Desi Wedding Part 7

.. hun ji ... first of all many thanking yous for the emails .. most of them kicking my chittar to finish of DW part 7 and get it posted ...

.. well I've been suffering from a bit of writer's block(ed) .. Head Chef Uncle keeps pouring me hazardous Jack and Danny Patiala Pegs .. think he may be spiking them with tesco's own brand Whiskey ...



Also have been informed that The Desi Wedding Facebook group has hit 5000 members .. Oh Tere Sad Ke !!! Big up to Mr. Ajaib Paul for setting it all up ...

Anyway.. enough of all that bakwaaas ...

.. here is a snippet from DW 7 .. (it may be edited when the final version comes out) ...

"............Everyones causing a fuss over you in the living room... Bal making sure your Pagh is unmolested, your cousins all waiting around to get some dosh off your mum... Aunty Shiv swooning around you making sure she gets her face in the video .. and ***Video Uncle** conveniently zooming in on the massive zit on your nose.... Your'e tempted to nip upstairs to down a quick peg of Jack and Danny but your thoughts are thwarted by your mum handing you your mobile phone saying 'Puttar, your phone doing too much Tee Tee, make sure you turn it off in the Gurdwara'... You have 40 missed calls.. mostly from your Mrs to be and the rest from her brother ... You listen to the various vulgarities on voicemail and realise that the girls side have been waiting for you guys at the Gurdwara for 2 hours......"

( The Desi Wedding © OSD 2008 )

The Desi Wedding Part 7 is currently in development !!

Ok there then mundeyo and kurriyo ... Many thanks for your emails, some offering kinds words of encouragement and others threatening to slash my tyres if I don't get DW7 out soon ...

So for all you haters.. I've taken a bit of notice innit ! and am getting a move on ...

Head Chef Uncle at Glassy is slacking somewhat.. so I've had to journey to POW for my kebab rolls ... I will be getting some inspiration for DW7 from there and will also be consoling those unfortunate geezers that are having trouble getting VISAs from their wives to go on their best mates stags !!

Chak De and all that mish mash ... Keep checking back at the Blog for further updates !!

Thanking you all much much ... OSD !

OSD's Blog - Home of the 'DESI WEDDING' Stories ...

Aye Aye !! Quick blog update before my Kebab Roll is ready ...
I've been alerted some Barficulture regulars that my Desi Wedding Stories have been doing the rounds on Facebook ... Some dude has created a Desi Wedding Facebook group with some 4300 members ... Chak De to that geezer !!

Anyway.. my mate Harry from Glassy (where else?) got the Facebook admin group guy to credit me with the DW writings.. So Chak De on that front !! But I'd like to let those members of that Facebook group know about my BLOG !!! So if you get a chance can you spread the word please? http://osdblog.blogspot.com/.

Thanking you very much and all that mish mash ... Also a big thanks to the Barficulture website and all my fellow Barfians ...

DW7 is on its way ...really it is ... ;) Brrrruuuuuuuaaaaaaaaahhhhhh !!

The Desi Wedding (Part 6)

You get up with your bride ready to take the first dance with some bakwaas hindi tune in the background. Suddenly, like a dodgy kebab roll from Glassy on its way out the next morning, Harvey gets on stage and stops proceedings. Looking very sharabi he tells the dj’s to stop playing the luvvy duvvy tune and to whack on the video from the stag in Prague. Alarm bells start ringing in your head, you see everyone in the reception hall look in total disbelief as their pyara Kartar is shown dancing nunga with a rose in his mouth next to some transvestite hookers ... Then you see the sharabi boyz behind the dj’s with huge ‘ks bhamrah from apna sangeet’ type grins… doing bhangra in the air to symbolise their greatest besti achievement to date. Your new brother in law gets up and lays a thaparr across your freshly shaved face….your sas and sora follow suit .. then a thappar ‘shaggan’ queue forms… You can’t believe your so called yaars have done this to you …

You feel the need to down some jd shots to help numb the pain as the thappar fest continue from one cheek to the other… taa taa taa taa taa….. then you start to come round… you open your eyes to see your dad laying thappars on you like there is no tomorrow……. 'Utt Ja Shera ! .. you are dreaming puttar .. ….seems like the nightmare.. Wake up Son!… Don’t tell me you are having the cold feets !….. …. trust me son marriage is not as bad as they all say. Look at me…..I have been married to your Mamma for the therty jears and I am still alive……’


You never thought that having yellow paste smudged all over you would hurt so much. Your'e just glad you aren't as hairy as your cousin Kamla who was in absolute agony at his maya. The auntiya take great pleasure in ruining your new hairstyle and freshly trimmed beard, dolloping thick wodges at every given opportunity. ….. you get into another sharabi kababi mode of thought (even though you haven't drunk for almost 2 hours).... you think you'll turn up to the wedding looking as white as Michael Jackson with bald patch spots in your beard….. then you think that may be the boyz managed to spike the maya paste and that your hair would turn purple like your Aunty Shiv’s….. Hai Hai.. where’s the sharaab when you need it ? …. Then like a genie out of a JD bottle, your Aunty Shiv comes in and pretends that you are her best pyaara nephew, smiling and acting in front of the camera (like Shilpa Shetty.. except she looks more like a desi Jade Goody aunty type thing) ….. That brings you back to reality... not only do you have to worry about the boyz forthcoming antics... you pray that Aunty Shiv doesn't embarrass the whole kaan daan at the wedding...



DJ Pendoo (what a name!) from Desi Snoop Dogg Entertainment (what a shame!) whacks on Malkit’s 'Jago Ayaa' tune... All the aunties get up and start doing giddha. You never thought any of them had it in them to bust those moves. Even the bibi's who had been complaining of years of back ache suddenly drop their walking sticks to outshine the younger aunties. Your mum and her gang come into the tent with the Jago's on their heads.. tooing and froing .. rapping some next desi boliyan as they dance… Meanwhile all the boyz and uncles are gathered around the desi makeshift bar helping themselves to the beer and the dodgy whiskey your uncle Prem brewed himself … He proudly names it ‘Bond Patti’ .. saying that with a couple of shots and some chicken, your chittar will go through an extreme makeover the next day …

Kuli conveniently becomes the bar man… pouring you the deadliest ‘engrazi patiala pegs’ … all the boyz say that you have to have a shot with each of them to toast your shaadi … By shot number 10 you are completely plastered … The boys start blerting out their customary ‘ Haa Haa, Hee Hee’s.. and Oye Chak De’s’ … the DJ spins the ‘Tharti Hilde’ tune … you start feeling the effects of the and the dodgy chicken… and you start hearing ‘Tattee Hildee, Tattee Hildee’ in your mashed up mind…. You make a dash for the makeshift bog you dad built at the back of the garden (for all the desi piss heads) … You unleash a nuclear lindee to great relief … but to total disbelief there is no bog roll left …… to top it off the flush isn’t working …. So you are faced with having to hatch a plan to get from the end of your garden to your bedroom with minimum movement in the sun don’t shine region ….

As you get back into the Marquee en-route to the house… the boys drag you to the dance floor … all pissed as desi’s in a brewery.. Jas gets you up on his shoulders smiling to the camera doing his Juggy D dancing … You are more concerned about ruining your brand new Versace jeans with Skid Marks then with little Jas dropping you …. You still can’t believe your rotten luck … Your just glad uncle Prem’s whiskey hasn’t worn off …. Helps you forget ….

Apart from the Environmental health visit at 2am … your’e glad that the night before goes relatively smoothly … Now for the Wedding Day ……

You’ve been up since 3am and your old man still can’t tie a decent pug on you. You look more like Bin Laden then a proper Singh.... He keeps saying, ‘I don’t the understand son, I thought that tieing the turban was like riding the bike… once you learn you can never forget’.
You think to yourself that the only time your dad has worn a pug has been on his own wedding, and that was tied by your grandad.. who happened to be the smartest Singh you knew. If it weren’t for Uncle Prem mucking up his visa application, he’d be there tieing the perfect turban on his pyara nephew. Instead he is living it up in the pind watching Shilpa Shetty on Big Brother…..

Bal comes to the house in the morning, still sharabi from night b4... He bursts out laughing when he sees the 'Satya Naas' state of your pug. At this stage the photographer has already taken some pictures ...Bal decides to save any further besti by doing you an emergency desi pug.
So in half the pictures you are looking like your pug has been subjected to gale force wind .. and in the other half with you looking like Inderjeet Nikku ready to bust some 'Singh Is King' lyrics...

Now for the actual wedding ……

( The Desi Wedding (Part 6) © OSD 2008 )

Noises in the Gurdwara

I was at a function at the Gurdwara the other day listening to some melodious kirtan and focusing my mind to the almighty. My concentration was broken several times by the constant vulgarities being committed by the people infront of me. Keeping my eyes closed (I was pretending to be mega religious that day) I tried to use my sub-conscious to eliminate these impurities from the depths of my pure mind.

The devils managed to crack my thoughts and open my eyes with the smelliest and loudest 'PADH' (aka FART) known to man. Initially I thought it was little kids up to no good, but soon realised that it was a 50 something uncle jee. He wasn't the only culprit... his mates were all at it.. like a bhangra band rehearsing Apna Panjab Hovey. The guy next to me, who incidentally was 'in the line of fire', kept his eyes shut and recited the kirtan along with the raagi's (aka preists). But I could see a drip of sweat trickle down from the base of his forehead, along the bridge of his nose and onto the floor. The poor man was holding his breath, he was trying not to let these immature old men spoil his outing to the Gurdwara.



By now my immediate vicinity had been gassed and the not so obvious hand movements over the nose turned into full grown men stretching their sweaters over their lower face. Then came the stares... people looking at each other subconciously trying to ascertain what sub-jee these raspberry blowers had for roti the night before.

Not only did they methane gas the Gurdwara, but they starting gup shupping very loudly. Raising their voices to counter the tabla and chimta sounds from the kirtan. I'm sure they were comparing PADHS .. or having some kind of 'Who can deal the loudest' or 'Whose can smell the worst' competitions. The one uncle with a handkerchief knotted on his head, like he was on holiday in Blackpool, rocked over the right cheek and let rip onto an innocent teenager playing a game on his mobile. The kid must have had a blocked nose because he didn't flinch. The poor uncle next to him couldn't take it any longer so he pretended he was going for lungar and left hurriedly.

The uncle with the messed up red pagh said some farewells and proceeded to get up off the floor. He got up with some difficulty and bent down for his walking stick, in motion he let out the loudest padh i've ever heard in my entire life. This bought about another dose of banter from the uncle jee clan, a sign of approval of some sort.

To top it all off, a mobile phone goes off.. u know with the loud tones .. and he let's in ring for 10 minutes, so that all his mates can see he has a mobile, then answers it loudly .. and he said (this is honest) 'I'm in the Gurdwara' .. like that guy from trigger happy tv with the big mobile ... .. worst thing .. no one said anything. If that was a group of kids doing that, they would have been scolded straight away and told to respect the fact that they are in the presence of others.
Are we living in a world of injustices? Are the older generation becoming too hip and trendy? Is it indeed them who get away with murder? I think there's unequal rules here, the elders sometimes show no respect in the Gurdwara, and no one says anything to them.

( Noises in the Gurdwara © OSD 2008 )

Aunty Shiv

( b4 I get sued for deformation of character – let me state that the below story along with the names are entirely fictitious - osd only accepts responsibility for laughter, should that event decide to occur)

Why is it that my aunty Shiv is the family gossip queen and my Uncle Prem (her husband) the nicest man on earth? Why does aunty insist on being the life and soul of every family function while uncle just sits in the corner sipping his johnny walker black label? Why is Shiv aunty's voice so screechy and irritating while Prem uncle's is so mellow and soothing? Why does aunty always insist on getting her photo taken while uncle hides out of
sight of the cameras?

Why? Let me tell you why....

You see.. every one in our family despises Shiv (aunty).. we all call her 'The Sieve' .. u know
can't hold anything in.. has to let everything out. Well this is true in more ways than one..
(by the way please excuse the excessive use of dots and lack of sentences ... this is how i manage to express my feelings freely) ...



OK.. back to Shiv - The Sieve .. What can't she hold in?
Well for starters any information one passes through Shiv's ears will filtrate to her gob and down a phone to 101 relatives...

Next is her appalling sense of dress... at age 56 she has failed to realise that wearing a boob tube with a lengha just looks simply disgusting .. and as for not being able to hold anything in .. yep u guessed it .. her 3 tiered tid (belly) all hangs out .. not to mention her 10 ft long arm pit hair ..

Uncle Prem, on the other hand, is a smart man who carries himself very well .. so why doesn’t Shiv take a leaf out of his book.. in fact .. why doesn’t Uncle Prem just move back to the Pind and get away from her madness .. go on Uncle, I promise no one will hold it against you .. to be honest, I wish we could all come with you !

Also why is that ugly people think they are the best looking just because they wear layers of make up and get their hair done from a hairdressers.. Well MY Shiv aunty goes to the 'Beauty Parlour' ... I wonder which one?.. I think it should be closed down for indecency !!!! …

Everyone of my cousins hate her .. why? coz she is in every damn picture .. From when we were born right up to our graduation photos... and we can hardly ask her to piss off while we are taking the pictures now can we .. ..?

I think Uncle Prem is permanently pissed, coz it seems as though whatever badnami Aunty Shiv does .. it never seems to phase him … It’s their kids we feel the most sorry for .. they stopped going to functions with their mum about 5 years ago … Last time I saw them was at Uncle Prem’s sisters wedding … they only came coz Shiv aunty was stuck at Delhi airport and was unable to attend …

I don’t blame them really …. I was there the day they were both scarred for life … It was when the DJ at my cousins wedding decided to play the Tina Oh Tina / Power remix track … Aunty Shiv started to dancing with the kids trying to do hip hop moves … Let me tell you.. it wasn’t a pretty site … different layers of tid were in a world of their own … all the kids sat down .. but she carried on … her bindi dropped onto her nose making her look like rudolph … her mascara dripped from her eyes making her look like the lead singer of Iron Maiden…..and to top it all off .. her newly permed hair transformed her into a desi medusa ..

It was like a bollywood dance scene gone wrong… horribly wrong …. I still have nightmares !!!!

( Aunty Shiv © OSD 2008 )

The Desi Wedding (Part 5)

You contemplate whether the boys are indeed your friends or just a bunch of psychopath desi’s intent on bestowing copious amounts of humiliation on a ‘bechaara bundar’ like yourself. You stop and realise that you are indeed yourself of the same breed…. Feeding off the ‘besti ‘of others. However, this time it’s YOU who are the prey, and THEY who are the blood thirsty Jaanwar’s …..

The boyz start off with real stag classics, like handcuffing you to lampposts and spiking your beers at every given opportunity. You get totally hammered and start acting like the fool every stag becomes when his ‘friends’ ensure that his last night of freedom goes according to plan… THEIR PLAN.
You are on a constant charge with their laughter ringing in your head and the only way you can rid yourself of these evil spirits is to drink more… The more you get pissed the more they have a laugh and the more you forget … You are their desi jester.. The butt of all the jokes.. Jokes that they’ll still be chuckling about when you are all sitting in the gurdwara at your son’s wedding.

After an afternoon of mass alcoholic consumption you decide to head back to the hotel on your own to clear your head. Your stomach begins to take a ‘churn’ for the worse as you start jogging towards your room only to find that your ‘sharabi kebabi’ nasha has completely ruined your sense of direction. By god’s grace you finally manage to locate your room and indeed the taalet. You drop your pant and sit down for what you hope will be the best tatti of your entire life. You shout ‘Teri Paandi !’ at the top of your voice as you experience pain at every lerndi drop ‘splashback’. The boyz had emptied an entire bottle of domestos into the bog, without flushing and it was your ‘bund di gulley’ that was being subjected to a violent storm of abuse from your own machine gun tatti.

You slump into your bed only to discover that it’s soaking wet. You ask god to help you seek revenge on the kunjars that did this to you.. Then a bright idea comes into your head.. you swap mattresses with Jay’s (your room mate) with the added bonus of pissing on his pillow and wiping your bund with his toothbrush. In a drunken, but happy state, you fall asleep.
You are awakened by the phone, which rather conveniently, is on full volume. The Czech sounding person on the other end says ‘Hallo , Can Iz Pleash speak to Mr. Bond’ .. you respond by saying that they have the wrong number .. they insist, saying ‘No Iz Vish to speak with Mr. Bond .. Mr. BOND PATTI !!!!!’. And then you hear a chorus of desi laughing and ‘Oye Chuck De’s’ in the background. You slam the phone down and get mullered on the remaining two jack and danny bottles.



The next two days pass without much tamashaa, you begin to think the boyz have tired of their antics and just want to have a good time away from the doldrums of their West London Desi Zindagi’s. But alas, they have once again attacked your naivety and mashed your brain into a dodgy kebab roll from Glassy. They begin to play mind games, you counteract by drinking more, trying to ignore all the goings on. You finally come to your senses sitting next to a couple of rather well endowed blonde ladies. The Boyz are standing about laughing with beers in their hands and eyes out of their sockets staring at every bit of skirt that passes. The Desi radar suddenly kicks in and you realise that you are sat in a strip club…..

Alarm bells start flashing red… you break out in a cold sweat and remember when Larry was stripped totally nunga on the stage at his stag do in Dublin. You can’t move.. you feel trapped … fit women on one side and the evil boyz on the other… You quickly run to the bar and sit there for the rest of the night getting mashed. You start chatting to a girl at the bar and really hit it off.. you wonder why she takes interest in you….. then you realise she is a stripper … but you get a bit boosted and decide to get a dance .. you slip back in the chair and let the alcohol take control of your brain and the stripper take control of your buljinder … all seems to be going well… under sHE takes off his panty’s … ‘You’re a Pandi Bloke !’ you screech…. You hear streams of laughter and see Kuli standing there with a digital camera flashing…. You dread that the photos of a blokes tackle dangling over your face will be front page news over the internet in the next couple of hours… It’ll be the freakish ‘desi caught in bingra strip club’ email that’ll do the rounds across the world… You life is RUINED…

Feeling rather muttered you decide to join the boyz on a final frolick in town. All the boyz suddenly become your best mates, patting you on the back and wishing you all the best for your forthcoming wedding. The booze starts to infiltrate your khoon and you start getting all emotional and relay your happiness by saying that they are indeed your brothers and not mates. You turn around at Jas and start your religious speech. The one that they always hear when you are up to your eyeballs in the desi amber nectar. You tell him how much you respect him for being a Singh and that you trust him with your life… then you turn around at Bal and insist that he teaches you how to tie a pug like his for the wedding….. Then the next thing you know … Sunny has pulled down your pants and the rest of the boyz handcuff you to a lamp post…. You only realise your pant is down after you feel the winter chill on your meat and two veg…. Harvey then busts out the boyz boliyan at the top of his voice, accompanied by the Boyz on chorus … ‘Kartar Dee Bund Patti… Ohhh Ho ! Kartar Dee Bund Patti Aye Hai!’ starts to echo around the whole square in the tune of Malkit’s Gurh Nalon Ishq Mitha …. Passers by stop and stare at your crown jewels like you are a freak of nature .. all you can see are big grins on the faces of your best mates….. They achieved their goal .. and you have been another victim of their dreaded BESTI !

… roll on the wedding !

( The Desi Wedding (Part 5) © OSD 2008 )

The Desi Wedding (Part 4)

Seeing as your flight to Prague is in the late afternoon, the boyz decide to get together at Glassy Junction for a pre-stag drink up. You get there at 10.30 to discover that it isn’t open till 11. Jay ‘mistakenly’ gave you the wrong time, funny since they all turned up together at 11.30 with big grins on their faces.

They succeeded in getting the auntie’s walking to the gurdwara to see you in your ‘Oye Chuck De / Kartar Di Bund Patti’ t shirt standing outside Glassy like an alcoholic waiting for his daily fix. Indeed they were correct, you are spotted by half a dozen family friends who look in amazement whilst studying the text and photo on your t shirt. Then come out the mobile phones, to broadcast Kartar Singh’s besti. Suddenly at 10.55 20 auntie’s come out of the gurdwara to have a good stare. You pray to god that Manmohan ‘Bobby’ Waris opens the doors early and allows Glassy to swallow you in. Ironically, you prayers are answered as the silver doors open and you stumble in away from the crazy lunatic auntie’s.

After 10 minutes of the crudest Panjabi vulgarities known to man, you calm down enough to tell Harvey what you want to drink. You realise what a real desi sharaboo you are as all the boyz are tucking into their morning orange juices, while you are knocking back an unusual tasting double Jack Daniels. Sunny refuses to let you pay for a single round and comes back with a tray full of Lal Toofan pints mixed with ‘Kuchh Nai’ whiskey. Jas says that he can’t drink (in the morning) due to his liver problems and Larry insists that drinking before a flight makes him queasy. So Kuli, Bal, Sunny, Jay and Harvey join you in a ‘Lal - Kuchh’ toast to your forthcoming wedding.

Feeling a bit light headed you manage to scramble into the cab and get to Heathrow 5 minutes before check in closes. Kuli being airline staff has a good giggle with the fit gori behind the counter and manages to secure some decent seats on the plane. After a quick booze shopping spree in duty free you all decide on a quick desi daroo peg for the journey ahead. You knock it in one and feel hairs growing on your chest. On the way to the gate all the boyz are huddled together doing their customary ha ha’s and hee hee’s. Once on board, you discover exactly what they have been up to.

Kuli managed to secure club class seats for all the boyz……except YOU. You get the last seat at the back of the plane right next to the toilet. After a herd of abuse you settle down to your seat and watch as the boyz get pampered by a stunning looking Italian stewardess. You sulk in the corner whilst Kenny ‘the bingra’ steward pours you some tea and says ‘Oooh we’re gonna have to put a smile back on your face luvvy!’. For once in your life you wish you were at home having your mum and dad giving you constant headache about the wedding… Instead you are knee deep in some sticky tutti.

Bal walks down from Club with a massive grin on his face. You realise that he is completely wrecked after sipping tea followed by champagne chasers. He decides to frequent the toilet next to you leaving the nastiest ‘thorka’ smelling dump in history. He comes out with a smile on his face insisting that he flushed twice but the ‘lerndi’ refused to budge. The toxic tutti fumes combined with the booze from Glassy make your stomach churn, you call Kenny and ask him for a JD whiskey. He comes back in a rush and says ‘Here we go luvvy, here’s a large stiff one just for you’…. You feel as though you are part of a Desi Carry On film, you knock the shot in a hurry and go to sleep before it gets any worse.

The nightmare continues as you are stopped at customs in Prague airport. The shifty looking security officer frolics your bag to discover the Christmas edition of Asian babes, 25 packs of King Size Rizlas, pink fluffy handcuffs and a small plastic bag with some green herb looking substance. You realise that whilst you were downing your Lal Toofan’s in Glassy, the boyz were busy planting the incriminating evidence in your luggage. Your mind goes into mirch massalla mode, you see yourself in a Prague jail cell with a chunky looking eastern European woman looking man insisting that your drop your pants for an internal inspection. You begin to think that the boyz have set you up with drugs and that this he/she is about to violate your bund di gulley. You snap out of your haze when the customs officer sniffs the green stuff and says that he loves it sprinkled on his lamb curry. You look up to discover that the boyz had planted ‘saunf and elaichi’ in a weed bag. After a detailed one hour search through Asian Babes at Christmas, customs reluctantly decide to let you and the magazine go…

You take a swig from the 2 litre duty free Jack and Danny bottle and take your own taxi to the hotel ….. you wonder what tamaasha the boyz have in store for you in the next three days ……….

( The Desi Wedding (Part 4) © OSD 2008 )

The Desi Wedding (Part 3)

After much discussion you finally decide to invite 500 guests. Your little brother has invited all his sharabi uni mates and your sister is calling all her teeny bopper crew. You cast your mind back to the times when you and the boyz would gate crash wedding receptions just for a cheap night out. Now your’e hoping that your wedding isn’t mobbed by the current sharaboo’s of Southall town.

TV Repair Uncle calls to confirm that he won’t be working triple shift on your wedding day and is quite happy to do the video filming and the photography, yes… at the same time.. and all for a good discount price for his pavourite nephew. ‘Bollox’ you think to yourself, every time you’ve seen him he’s been sloshed and doesn’t even remember your name. To top it off, his son, Mintoo will be on cable duty.. ducking and diving past all those guests with the video wire. You hate each other with a passion and fear he might yank the wire out on purpose so you don’t have any memories of your wonderful desi tamashaa.

Your project manager,Asha (the fit desi that you all fancy) asks for two volunteers to work on an IT project in Dublin. Everyone else makes excuses but you offer your services just to get away from the tamashaa at home. To your surprise, Asha announces that she will join you as no one else is available. Your imagination goes into mirch massalla mode and you dream of spending many a night clubbing and drinking with her. You pray that the hotel mix up your rooms and you both end up sharing. ‘Calm down Kartar’ you think to yourself, ‘no need to get a Bulj-inder just yet’. Your mum rings and puts a spanner in the works, she wants you to take time off to pick 10 relatives from the airport on 10 different occasions. Asha is totally understanding and drops you from the Dublin project after 5 of the goray ALL suddenly volunteer to take your place. ‘Derty kuthay’ you think to yourself, you can see their eyes undressing your pyari zindagee Asha sweety, darleeng.




Your relatives start arriving from India and soon your house turns into western international market on a Sunday morning. Aunty’s gup shupping about suits and jewellery, Uncle’s knocking back neat pint pegs of Bagpiper Whiskey and little annoying cousins running around like blue arse flies. Being a typical desi, your dad orders wedding cards from his Chacha in Phagwara. Much to your disbelief, there are spelling mistakes galore. They mispell your name, instead of ‘Kartar Singh’ it reads ‘Kutta Singh’ and to top it off they even get your dad’s name wrong. ‘Don’t worry puttar’, your dad said says, ‘we can put tippex and correct them…. at least we saved 100 pounds’.



You think about having a nervous breakdown but decide to confide in old Jack once more. You get langered and ring up your mrs to be. You get all lovey duvvy and ask her to marry you in Gretna Green rather than going through all the headache of a desi wedding. She agrees with you but says that she would like to show off her wedding lengha. You suggest that you can both still get dressed up and get married at a registry office without 500 guests yapping in the background. She says that she needs at least 20 of her bhabhi’s to help her around as the lengha weighs a tonne. You put the phone down and contemplate whether she is indeed the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. You go to the bathroom and try to rinse out the remaining drops of JD from the bottle. You look up at the mirror and decide to forget it all for a while.

Deep Mamma Ji calls you from Germany and asks if you want anything from there before he gets on his flight over. For the first time, you think to yourself, someone has actually asked what YOU want. Your Mamma Ji is probably the only non-piss head in your family and someone you hold great respect for. After your Nanna Ji died he virtually took over the running of your mum’s side of the family. He got you mum and all your massi’s married off and didn’t even think anything of it, he did it out of respect and khushi. You wonder why all that sense and sensibility of yester-year has dwindled away to make way for the current materialistic mayhem of today. For the first time you actually look forward to driving all the way up to Luton airport to collect your Deep Mammi Ji, who managed to get a superb deal on an EasyJet flight !

Harvey puts an email out asking the boyz if they can attend your stag… like mucchar to a flame.. they all reply confirming instantly. Larry and Jazz volunteer to be on desi daroo duty… Sunny and Jay take over as Stag social events organisers..whilst Harvey and Kuli assume video and camera duties….
Bal gets t shirts printed with ‘OYE CHUCK DE’ in bright orange letters on the front and ‘KARTAR DI BUND PATTI’ on the back. For added effect he managed to get a photo of you when you were 7 scanned on the front, with no front teeth and the worst basin bowl haircut you can imagine. You start having dreams of Sunny’s stag in Amsterdam, except this time it’s YOU experiencing a plethora of ha ha’s and hee hee’s and total unadulterated BESTI. Once again you reach out to your old friend the Jack & Danny whiskey bottle and realise that the stag weekend in Prague is gonna be worst time of your entire life ……….

( The Desi Wedding (Part 3) © OSD 2008 )