It’s the morning after the night b4 (sangeet party) … Uncle’s Prem’s ‘Bond Patti’ homemade desi brew is still running wild in your bloodstream… Your extra loaded (with Malkit Singh style Pagh) head goes into mirch massalla mode….‘Is this really happening’ you think to yourself.. You, Kartar Singh, are going to be married in a matter of hours… In a flash your wild days will be over… You won’t be able to venture down to Tiger Tiger to chat up the Eastern European birds so easily anymore.. You won’t be able to go to Glassy or POW every other day for a ‘Panjabi swearing invested natter’ with the lads… You’ll miss Bittu’s tandoori mixed grills… No more lads holidays.. no more sneaking out for a quick soota at night …. Is this the end of your life as you know it ….
Your train of thought is disturbed by Video Uncle (real name Dev Kumar Paagal) yanking his cable through your Maujay (curly shoes) .. he blerts out ‘Come on yaar… smile for theee camera…, its your big day…its theee best day of your life…..ha ha hee hee’ ..
Everyones causing a fuss over you in the living room... Bal making sure your Pagh is unmolested, your cousins all hanging around (like blue arse flies) to get some dosh off your mum... Aunty Shiv getting too close for comfort… making sure she gets her face in the video ..For any 3rd party looking on, it seems as though she is your bride… You look up (in disgust) at her wishing that your Mrs to be doesn’t end up with a multi-tiered tid and joker (a la Heath Ledger in Dark Knight) facial features like hers … You pray to the almighty to forgive all the ‘elta’ (sins) you have committed and promise that you’ll be a good boy just as long as the Shiv curse is removed from your memory….
Video Uncle and his son Kamla (the tosser) keep annoying you by sticking the camera right up your face…. conveniently zooming in on the massive zit on your nose.... You hope that Kunjar Kamla (KK) ends up marrying an Aunty Shiv lookalike and that his life is made hell so that he won’t be such a khotha anymore ;) … Then you wonder why you agreed to let Video Uncle film your big day…. What were you thinking?.. ….knowing your luck KK will edit in some porn in your final video edit… you can just imagine the faces of all the Aunty’s sitting round the TV waiting to see your first dance on DVD.. when all of a sudden there’s a banda’s meat and two veg doing god knows what to a well endowed teemi … Stop it!! Stop it!! You think … get a hold of yourself.. stop getting into mirch massalla mode…. Take some advice off Russell Peters…. ‘BE A MAN !!!’ …
….Your'e tempted to nip upstairs to down a quick peg of Jack and Danny but you are stopped in your tracks by your mum…. She hands you your mobile phone saying 'Puttar, your phone doing too much Tee Tee, make sure you turn it off in the Gurdwara, otherwise the giani will be the upset'... You have 30 missed calls..
mostly from your father in law and the rest from your future brother-in-law ... You listen to the various vulgarities on voicemail and realise that the girls side have been waiting for you guys at the Gurdwara for 2 hours... Bloody hell ! You won’t even get a hot samosa and a cup of Saunf Cha yourself….
Those famous Alarm Bells start ringing in your head again .. .your two hours late !!! You imagine turning up to the Gurdwara faced with your brother in law’s army of Dacoit looking tribesman… All waiting to rip you a new Bund Di Gulley… You keep hearing, all 6ft 6 of him, saying “Look fud-cheeks, I warned you about messing up the timetable to the wedding.. You know I was gonna do a Dhol solo at the reception….Your’e taking the piss now.. I’m gonna have to break your legs…” … Oh No !!!
Video uncle wakes you from your haze by shouting at all the aunties to squeeze closer together to get into the pictures...'Come on everybody,
get closer to Kartari, this is the best day of his life.. one, two, three say Paneer!' ... You look in the mirror and see that your red pagh is now plastered with all the Auntie’s foundation …. Bal comes to the rescue with some last minute ‘Singh Is King’ fixes… The pagh his heavy.. but you have to admit.. You do look damn good …. Oye Chak De !!! ‘Let’s get this over with’ you think to yourself….
You tell your dad to hurry things along coz the girls side are waiting like lemons ... he comes up with 'Shera, why you worry for huh? This is a Desi wedding.…..the Boys side always late… hinni .. it's tradition ..' ...
You finally get out of the house at 11.20 sporting some dodgy soorma applied by (who else) Aunty Shiv .. you look more like Amy Winehouse than a Panjabi Groom .. You contemplate whether you should join Amy by booking yourself into ‘Rehab’ after the day is out ….
Isher Singh (the dholi) busts out some dhol beats while you walk out of the house and into the beaten up limo that Video Uncle had arranged…. Deep Mamma ji starts dancing quickly followed by Uncle Prem and Aunty Shiv… All the neighbours come out of their houses to see what all the fuss is about… Then Video Uncle starts naching and tuping.. and yes while the video is still recording.. “Saare jaane nachlo.. mauj maano.. te Bhangra Pao…” You think that if he is like this in the morning, what’s he (and the state of the video) gonna be like at the reception, after he’s had a couple…
“OK jee, Chaalo.. Chaalo”…your Dad starts instructing people to get out of the house and into the coach…”Come on the people, let us go.. The girl’s side must be waiting ”…. The gora limo driver starts the engine… it doesn’t sound too healthy, so he switches off and tries again… this time it justs coughs and splutters… “Look mate, I’m gonna have to call in the AA.. I don’t wanna blow the engine.. this baby is my bread and butter…” … Sirens start sounding in your head.. amplified by the fact that your Malkit Singh pagh is containing the mayhem inside… What the ‘paandi yaari’ are you going to do?
“Nothing to vorry about… everyone come in the my car.. behja behja.. koi na”… Video Uncle gets everyone (including you) to pile into his clapped out 7 seater Toyota… It the one that he uses to advertise all his sidelines… “Paagal Mini Cabs / Paagal Builders / Paagal Video / Paagal Tents and Paagal DJ’s…” … “Oye rabh jee” (you think to yourself) “will the day get any better?” …
The Paagal mobile enters the Gurdwara car park led in by Isher Singh blasting the dhol … You try hiding under your Sehra curtain but can make out the chuckles from everyone standing outside… Your ‘pyaari zindagi darleeng’ Asha is there looking as fit as ever, with all the goray from work wearing frilly ladies chunni’s to cover their heads… All your cousins and your in laws are in full view to watch you get out of Video Uncles dodgy motor….. All the uncles are dancing in beat to the dhol infront of you and tying to get you to join in…. You politely refuse saying that you don’t want to displace the pagh …..
Time for the milni… Your mum is unable to untangle all the haars so your side are reduced to using the same 10 haars for every milni …. First up is your Dad.. He was unable to find his rumaal (handkerchief) in the morning so he borrowed your nephews WWE (wrestling) one… Your father-in-law looks at him in disbelief before giving him a gold ring and a blanket…
After a couple of ha ha’s and hee hee’s they both try lifting each other up… Both on the large side they only get as far as aggravating their sciatic nerves… “Oye Paaaji, smile for thee camera yaar”.. Video Uncle encourages the Dad’s to act all lovey dovey for the video AND photo… Then your Fufarr (Dad’s sisters husband) meets and greets his counterpart from the girls side… It looks more like a duel then a milni .. eyes piercing across the tarmac… strategies flying about in their brains… like two sumo wrestlers ready to go to war…. Fufarr Ji staggers up to his ‘opponent’ with his walking stick.. saying the customary ‘Sat Sri Akal Paaji’ .. putting the haar around the neck negotiating the well tied pagh….. Then your other half’s Fufarr proceeds in placing his haar over your Fufarr’s neck.. scrumpling up his ‘Sikh Pride’ rumaal in the process… Your Fufarr’s eyes turn red as his gunja (bald) spot is revealed to all and sundry… He suddenly drops his stick and proceeds to lift his opponent off the ground to cries of ‘Oye Balle Balle Balle!!!’… The other Fufarr is holding on for dear life as your Fufarr looks to the other Uncles for approval…. He gets a perfect 10 score when he bends down to grab his stick, letting the nastiest, loudest, thorka smelling padh rip through the milni congregation… The battle of the Fufarr’s finally ends sending people straight into the hall for some Hot Samosas, Pakora’s and Saunf Chaa Choo…
All the goray from work are more amazed at the plethora of free samosas than your wedding attire… they all greet you chomping on food .. it’s like suddenly you are their best friend.. may be it’s the turban ? Then like a movie scene… all hazy like walking on clouds.. your eyes lock with Asha’s … ‘Oye Chak De Kurriye’ you think to yourself… she walks up to you and gives you a big hug.. saying congratulations.. You sense a Bulj-inder moment… your only saving grace is your long Etchkan.. thick as cardboard… Does wot it says on the tin.. hides all imperfections and protrusions…
The actual religious wedding goes well.. your Mrs to be looks lovely.. You wished it was Asha though .. but thank the Lord that is wasn’t Aunty Shiv’s protégé…. Only a few minor hiccups.. like you starting anti clockwise rather than clockwise… The traditional building fund speech taking 2 hours… and you sweating buckets in the intense heat … You now have a new found respect for all turban wearing Sardars .. infact you toy with the idea of keeping your hair and donning a Malkit-esque slick turban for life ….
As you enter the Paagal car for your trip to the reception hall… you notice 10 missed calls .. all from the DJ (Taz from Paragon).. saying that you are extremely late and only have 2 hours hall time left …..
O’Twadeeeeeeee !!!! It’s now a mad rush .. on to the reception ……..
(to be continued in The Desi Wedding part 8 …)
( The Desi Wedding (Part 7) © OSD 2009 )
