7000 Members of Desi Wedding Facebook Group

I have been informed by Mr. Ajaib Paul Sahib that the Desi Wedding Facebook group has hit 7000 (seven thou-jand) members ...
..I am very honoured to have so many of you grace my writings ... Also a thou-jand thanks for Mr. Paul for setting up the group ...
.. carry on with the thank you's.. I appreciated all your emails.. words of encouragement and advice on how I should pull my finger out and start writing part 8 ...
I've bowed to public demand (well Head Chef Uncle from Glassy) and decided create an OSD facebook account ... My id is ---> Osd Desi-wedding <--- .. so add me innit ...

Anyway .. part 8 will be with us this side of Xmas but the other side of Diwali ...

MERRY DIWALI to all that celebrate it .. may the PATAKA be with you !!!

Cheers

OSD

The Desi Wedding Part 7

It’s the morning after the night b4 (sangeet party) … Uncle’s Prem’s ‘Bond Patti’ homemade desi brew is still running wild in your bloodstream… Your extra loaded (with Malkit Singh style Pagh) head goes into mirch massalla mode….‘Is this really happening’ you think to yourself.. You, Kartar Singh, are going to be married in a matter of hours… In a flash your wild days will be over… You won’t be able to venture down to Tiger Tiger to chat up the Eastern European birds so easily anymore.. You won’t be able to go to Glassy or POW every other day for a ‘Panjabi swearing invested natter’ with the lads… You’ll miss Bittu’s tandoori mixed grills… No more lads holidays.. no more sneaking out for a quick soota at night …. Is this the end of your life as you know it ….

Your train of thought is disturbed by Video Uncle (real name Dev Kumar Paagal) yanking his cable through your Maujay (curly shoes) .. he blerts out ‘Come on yaar… smile for theee camera…, its your big day…its theee best day of your life…..ha ha hee hee’ ..

Everyones causing a fuss over you in the living room... Bal making sure your Pagh is unmolested, your cousins all hanging around (like blue arse flies) to get some dosh off your mum... Aunty Shiv getting too close for comfort… making sure she gets her face in the video ..For any 3rd party looking on, it seems as though she is your bride… You look up (in disgust) at her wishing that your Mrs to be doesn’t end up with a multi-tiered tid and joker (a la Heath Ledger in Dark Knight) facial features like hers … You pray to the almighty to forgive all the ‘elta’ (sins) you have committed and promise that you’ll be a good boy just as long as the Shiv curse is removed from your memory….



Video Uncle and his son Kamla (the tosser) keep annoying you by sticking the camera right up your face…. conveniently zooming in on the massive zit on your nose.... You hope that Kunjar Kamla (KK) ends up marrying an Aunty Shiv lookalike and that his life is made hell so that he won’t be such a khotha anymore ;) … Then you wonder why you agreed to let Video Uncle film your big day…. What were you thinking?.. ….knowing your luck KK will edit in some porn in your final video edit… you can just imagine the faces of all the Aunty’s sitting round the TV waiting to see your first dance on DVD.. when all of a sudden there’s a banda’s meat and two veg doing god knows what to a well endowed teemi … Stop it!! Stop it!! You think … get a hold of yourself.. stop getting into mirch massalla mode…. Take some advice off Russell Peters…. ‘BE A MAN !!!’ …

….Your'e tempted to nip upstairs to down a quick peg of Jack and Danny but you are stopped in your tracks by your mum…. She hands you your mobile phone saying 'Puttar, your phone doing too much Tee Tee, make sure you turn it off in the Gurdwara, otherwise the giani will be the upset'... You have 30 missed calls..
mostly from your father in law and the rest from your future brother-in-law ... You listen to the various vulgarities on voicemail and realise that the girls side have been waiting for you guys at the Gurdwara for 2 hours... Bloody hell ! You won’t even get a hot samosa and a cup of Saunf Cha yourself….

Those famous Alarm Bells start ringing in your head again .. .your two hours late !!! You imagine turning up to the Gurdwara faced with your brother in law’s army of Dacoit looking tribesman… All waiting to rip you a new Bund Di Gulley… You keep hearing, all 6ft 6 of him, saying “Look fud-cheeks, I warned you about messing up the timetable to the wedding.. You know I was gonna do a Dhol solo at the reception….Your’e taking the piss now.. I’m gonna have to break your legs…” … Oh No !!!

Video uncle wakes you from your haze by shouting at all the aunties to squeeze closer together to get into the pictures...'Come on everybody,
get closer to Kartari, this is the best day of his life.. one, two, three say Paneer!' ... You look in the mirror and see that your red pagh is now plastered with all the Auntie’s foundation …. Bal comes to the rescue with some last minute ‘Singh Is King’ fixes… The pagh his heavy.. but you have to admit.. You do look damn good …. Oye Chak De !!! ‘Let’s get this over with’ you think to yourself….

You tell your dad to hurry things along coz the girls side are waiting like lemons ... he comes up with 'Shera, why you worry for huh? This is a Desi wedding.…..the Boys side always late… hinni .. it's tradition ..' ...

You finally get out of the house at 11.20 sporting some dodgy soorma applied by (who else) Aunty Shiv .. you look more like Amy Winehouse than a Panjabi Groom .. You contemplate whether you should join Amy by booking yourself into ‘Rehab’ after the day is out ….

Isher Singh (the dholi) busts out some dhol beats while you walk out of the house and into the beaten up limo that Video Uncle had arranged…. Deep Mamma ji starts dancing quickly followed by Uncle Prem and Aunty Shiv… All the neighbours come out of their houses to see what all the fuss is about… Then Video Uncle starts naching and tuping.. and yes while the video is still recording.. “Saare jaane nachlo.. mauj maano.. te Bhangra Pao…” You think that if he is like this in the morning, what’s he (and the state of the video) gonna be like at the reception, after he’s had a couple…



“OK jee, Chaalo.. Chaalo”…your Dad starts instructing people to get out of the house and into the coach…”Come on the people, let us go.. The girl’s side must be waiting ”…. The gora limo driver starts the engine… it doesn’t sound too healthy, so he switches off and tries again… this time it justs coughs and splutters… “Look mate, I’m gonna have to call in the AA.. I don’t wanna blow the engine.. this baby is my bread and butter…” … Sirens start sounding in your head.. amplified by the fact that your Malkit Singh pagh is containing the mayhem inside… What the ‘paandi yaari’ are you going to do?


“Nothing to vorry about… everyone come in the my car.. behja behja.. koi na”… Video Uncle gets everyone (including you) to pile into his clapped out 7 seater Toyota… It the one that he uses to advertise all his sidelines… “Paagal Mini Cabs / Paagal Builders / Paagal Video / Paagal Tents and Paagal DJ’s…” … “Oye rabh jee” (you think to yourself) “will the day get any better?” …

The Paagal mobile enters the Gurdwara car park led in by Isher Singh blasting the dhol … You try hiding under your Sehra curtain but can make out the chuckles from everyone standing outside… Your ‘pyaari zindagi darleeng’ Asha is there looking as fit as ever, with all the goray from work wearing frilly ladies chunni’s to cover their heads… All your cousins and your in laws are in full view to watch you get out of Video Uncles dodgy motor….. All the uncles are dancing in beat to the dhol infront of you and tying to get you to join in…. You politely refuse saying that you don’t want to displace the pagh …..

Time for the milni… Your mum is unable to untangle all the haars so your side are reduced to using the same 10 haars for every milni …. First up is your Dad.. He was unable to find his rumaal (handkerchief) in the morning so he borrowed your nephews WWE (wrestling) one… Your father-in-law looks at him in disbelief before giving him a gold ring and a blanket…

After a couple of ha ha’s and hee hee’s they both try lifting each other up… Both on the large side they only get as far as aggravating their sciatic nerves… “Oye Paaaji, smile for thee camera yaar”.. Video Uncle encourages the Dad’s to act all lovey dovey for the video AND photo… Then your Fufarr (Dad’s sisters husband) meets and greets his counterpart from the girls side… It looks more like a duel then a milni .. eyes piercing across the tarmac… strategies flying about in their brains… like two sumo wrestlers ready to go to war…. Fufarr Ji staggers up to his ‘opponent’ with his walking stick.. saying the customary ‘Sat Sri Akal Paaji’ .. putting the haar around the neck negotiating the well tied pagh….. Then your other half’s Fufarr proceeds in placing his haar over your Fufarr’s neck.. scrumpling up his ‘Sikh Pride’ rumaal in the process… Your Fufarr’s eyes turn red as his gunja (bald) spot is revealed to all and sundry… He suddenly drops his stick and proceeds to lift his opponent off the ground to cries of ‘Oye Balle Balle Balle!!!’… The other Fufarr is holding on for dear life as your Fufarr looks to the other Uncles for approval…. He gets a perfect 10 score when he bends down to grab his stick, letting the nastiest, loudest, thorka smelling padh rip through the milni congregation… The battle of the Fufarr’s finally ends sending people straight into the hall for some Hot Samosas, Pakora’s and Saunf Chaa Choo…



All the goray from work are more amazed at the plethora of free samosas than your wedding attire… they all greet you chomping on food .. it’s like suddenly you are their best friend.. may be it’s the turban ? Then like a movie scene… all hazy like walking on clouds.. your eyes lock with Asha’s … ‘Oye Chak De Kurriye’ you think to yourself… she walks up to you and gives you a big hug.. saying congratulations.. You sense a Bulj-inder moment… your only saving grace is your long Etchkan.. thick as cardboard… Does wot it says on the tin.. hides all imperfections and protrusions…

The actual religious wedding goes well.. your Mrs to be looks lovely.. You wished it was Asha though .. but thank the Lord that is wasn’t Aunty Shiv’s protégé…. Only a few minor hiccups.. like you starting anti clockwise rather than clockwise… The traditional building fund speech taking 2 hours… and you sweating buckets in the intense heat … You now have a new found respect for all turban wearing Sardars .. infact you toy with the idea of keeping your hair and donning a Malkit-esque slick turban for life ….

As you enter the Paagal car for your trip to the reception hall… you notice 10 missed calls .. all from the DJ (Taz from Paragon).. saying that you are extremely late and only have 2 hours hall time left …..

O’Twadeeeeeeee !!!! It’s now a mad rush .. on to the reception ……..

(to be continued in The Desi Wedding part 8 …)

( The Desi Wedding (Part 7) © OSD 2009 )

DW7 Releasing this April

.... DW7 Releasing this April on "O'Twadi" Record label ... on a serious note .. if it ain't up (the stpry that is) by end of April 2009 I will give up the old Jack and Danny ... Rab Di Sauhn !!! ...

.. now pish off !

Desi Wedding - Glossary of Terms

.. hope all is well with you all ... the Facebook group is going strong (6.5k members)... my inbox is filling up with hate mail @ my slackness in posting up DW7 ....

.. ok some of you have requested that i add in a Glossary of Terms .. so here we go... enjoy ...
.. at some point i will link this to the actual words in the stories...

Chaa Paani - literal translation means Tea and Water. In this context it refers to when the grooms family go to the bride to be house and are treated to a feast of Samosas, Kebabs, Tea and Cakes. This basically means that both sides have agreed to the union.
Desi - refers to a Panjabi person.
Gori - Female Caucasion
Darleeng - Darling in an Indian Accent
Puttar - Affectionate term for a child
Loafer - lay about, dosser
Duffer - dunce, someone who can't tell their kebab roll from their chicken tikka.
Shera - basically means Lion, or head of the Pride. A term used to give someone status.
Sona Kaka - Sona means nice and Kaka means Baby. In this sense it refers to the pride of the family.
Patialia Pegs - Patialia is a region in the Panjab.. and Peg refers to a shot of alochol.. a Patialia Peg is a very large (usually a double triple - 6 measures)
Pattakay - fireworks
Oye Chak De - a phrase which expresses delight .. sometimes used in encouragement.. especially when getting someone to down a Patiala Peg.
Kaccha - underpants
Teri Bund Patti Yaaro - means you've been shafted my friend.
Pug / Pagh / Pugri - Turban, as worn by Sikh males.
Giani - Sikh priest
Chukker (also spelt Chakkar) - having halucinations / head spinning
Rail Gaddi - famous bhangra song about a train ,played at most weddings when people form a line and do the locamotion around the reception hall.
Glassy - means a drink of alcohol.
Rishtadari - relation, or from your network.
Thorncliffe Hotel - a run down hotel in West London now used to house Assylum seekers.
Bingra - someone who bats for the other side.
Gora - male caucasian
Roti - Chappati
Sabjee - Indian curry (usually vegetarian)
Sharabi - Alcoholic
Tamashaa - Cock up in proceedings...shanningans
Bulj-inder - in this sense is used to refer to the 'bulj' in ones manhood when one sees a good looking member of the opposite sex. The adding of the jinder is to akin it to a Panjabi name Baljinder...
Derty Kuthay - Dirty Dogs
Gup Shupping - Gossiping, usually associated with Aunties.
Chacha - Dad's younger brother.
Phagwara - Town in Panjab.
Langered - pissed.
Lengha - Indian dress for women.
JD - Jack Daniels Whiskey
Jack and Danny - Jack Daniels Whiskey
Mamma Ji - mother's brother.
Nanna Ji - mother's father.
Massi - mother's sister.
Khushi - Happiness.
Mucchar - Flies.
Daroo - Alcohol
KARTAR DI BUND PATTI - Kartar (main character in DW) has been shafted
ha ha’s and hee hee’s - laughing
Besti - Embarrassment
Glassy Junction - Indian Pub in Southall -- often called 'Glassy'
Manmohan ‘Bobby’ Waris - Bobby is a bartender at Glassy Junction who is a spitting image of the bhangra singer Manmahan Waris.
Lal Toofan - Indian Beer brand
Kuchh Nai - means nothing, is an Indian Whiskey brand.
Tuttee - sh*t
Thorka - base ingredients to an Indian Curry, consists of onions, garlic, chillies, ginger and tomatoes. When cooked they together they release a pungent smell.
Lerndi - another panjabi word for Sh*t
Mirch massalla mode - in this context we are talking about your mind going into overdrive, thinking the unthinkable..
Bund di gulley - the sun don't shine tunnel region
Saunf - Fennel seeds, cooking condiment.
Elaichi - Cardamoms, cooking condiment.
Bechaara Bundar - Poor bloke
Jaanwar - Animal
sharabi Kebabi - slang desi term for Pissed.
nasha - buzz
Taalet - Toilet (said with a british desi accent)
Teri Paandi - literally translates to 'Your Sister'.. one can add on extra words to make the term vulgar.
Kunjar - one who belongs to the oldest profession in the world.
Bund - Bum
Zindagi - life
Nunga - naked
Kartar Dee Bund Patti… Ohhh Ho ! Kartar Dee Bund Patti Aye Hai - a song highlighting that Kartar is gonna get shafted.
Gurh Nalon Ishq Mitha - famous Panjabi song meaning Love is sweeter than Sugar
Malkit - famous Panjabi Bhangra singer (full name Malkit Singh)
Bakwaas - as in something is rubbish or crap.
Luvvy Duvvy - Lovey Dovey (in desi british accent)
Pyara - Lovely
KS Bhamrah from Apna Sangeet - lead vocalist of popular Bhangra band who is well known for his Cheshire Cat smile.
Thaparr - Slap
Shaggan - Gift offering (usually of money after a wedding)
Utt Ja Shera - Wake up lion
Maya - Pre wedidng ceremony where relatives smear the groom with tumeric paste.
Hai Hai - Expression of disbelief.
Kaan Daan - Family or Klan.
Jago Ayaa - Popular song played at pre wedding parties.
Bibi's - older grandma types
Jago's - Pots with candles on the top, these are used in pre wedding celebrations.
Chittar - Bum
Engrazi Patiala Pegs - English Patialia Pegs (quadruple shots)
Shaadi - Wedding
Tharti Hilde - popular bhangra song meaning 'GroundShaker'
Tattee Hildee, Tattee Hildee - different take on song above, now meaninig that ones sh*t is shaking.
Juggy D - Popular Bhangra artist from West London.
Pind - Ancestral village in India.
Satya Nas - Mess up
Inderjeet Nikku - Popular Panjabi singer from India, known for his well endowed turban.